Captain Lint
by Katz Potter
Summary: An incredibly insane, pointless, and AU story that I wrote for Language Arts. Includes a pessimist, an obsessed with bunnies person, Draco, Jessica Lee, Jennifer Patch, evil purple stuffed bunnies of course and myself. Just review, please. Flame if you wa


**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The name Captain Lint is an unofficial copyright of Biz the Insane. The Lord of the Rings trilogy belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. The ducky socks belong to Cassandra Claire and Draco. Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture belongs to Tchaikovsky. _The Matrix_ belongs to whoever made it up. _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ belongs to Monty Python and whoever else. Matchbox 20, Lifehouse, Michelle Branch, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback all belong to themselves. Sarah Kuper is mine, and so are the evil purple stuffed bunnies.  
**Author notes:** I wrote this for Language Arts. It is very AU. Henry is supposed to be Harry, and Heather is Hermione.  
Jess and Jen don't know they're in this. Mwahaha. Also, one of my fave movies is Monty Python, so you must forgive me. It's my parents' faults. They corrupted me.  
Yes, so... that's it. Have fun, flame if you like, you'll just damage my poor lil' heart.

P.S.: Raketta is pronounced 'Racket-ah.'  (Actually, it's rah-keet-ah, I just like to call her Racket-ah.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

** Captain Lint**

It was two o'clock on a sunny, December afternoon in Maryland Heights, Missouri when Kathleen Potter walked into her home, followed by her friends Jess, Jen, Draco, Elle, and Raketta. She dropped her bag on the floor and walked into the kitchen.

"Okay guys, sit down and I'll get us some food," she said, reaching into the cupboard. She pulled out several packages of cookies and, going to the fridge, pulled out a bottle of red sparkling grape juice. Then she got six glasses and poured an equal amount of juice in each one. After doing that, she put the cookies on a plate and put the plate in the living room before handing out drinks. Then she plopped down on the couch next to Draco.

They talked for a bit about various things. Draco told them what had been happening with his family, including his younger brother by nine months, Ron.

"Ron's so dumb," he laughed, "he got into a fight with Heather, the girl Henry likes, and she busted his lip, broke his leg, and gave him a black eye."

Kathy burst out laughing. Once she had stopped, she said, "Okay, present time. Everybody, get out your presents!" She ran into her room and retrieved the presents she had bought.

For Jess she had gotten Tom Felton's signature. Jess adored Tom Felton, because he played Draco in the Harry Potter movies. For Jen she had tickets to a concert for Jen's favorite band, Nickelback. For Draco she had bought ducky socks, since she had told him that in Cassandra Claire's stories, he wore them, and he had admitted that he didn't own one pair of them. For Elle there was a purple stuffed bunny, which she had dubbed Captain Lint. Finally, she had bought Raketta a smiley pillow.

They exchanged presents. From Jess, Kathy received the Lord of the Rings trilogy. From Draco she got ducky socks. She had also received floppy disks from Jen, a stuffed ducky from Elle, and an Oliver Wood poster from Raketta, because Kathy thought Oliver was cuter than Tom.

Apart from Kathy's present, Jess had received a Tom Felton poster from Jen; ducky socks from Draco, a stuffed ducky from Elle, and the Harry Potter soundtrack from Raketta.

Jen had received a Nickelback T-shirt from Jess, a Nickelback poster from Elle, and a Nickelback concert CD from Raketta. Draco gave her Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, which made them all, except for Jen and Raketta, burst out laughing at the look on Jen's face as she saw what it was. Of course, then she hit him over the head with a ball of wrapping paper.

Draco got ducky socks not only from Kathy, but from Jess as well. Elle gave him a bright green shirt, of which he tried to conceal his distaste. Not. "It looks like Potter's eyes," he said, grimacing. Elle just grinned and bounced happily on her spot on the floor.

From Raketta, Draco received a black trenchcoat, which made Jess squeal gleefully, "Ooh! Now he'll look like the dude from _The Matrix_, only in ducky socks!"

Jen got her revenge, however, with the present she had bought for Draco. When he opened his present, the look of complete shock on his face made everyone but him and Raketta collapse with laughter.

"_Hair gel_?" he asked incredulously. Jen just grinned smugly and waved Tchaikovsky around. He picked up a ball of wrapping paper and lobbed it at her head. She ducked.

"Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me," she teased, sticking out her tongue. Draco glared at her.

"I most certainly will not," he said.

"Fine then. I didn't want you to, anyways, sicko."

"Uh, guys? Back to presents, please," said Kathy.

"Whatever," they said, grumbling.

Elle was bouncing again.

"Will she ever stop?" Draco asked Kathy

"Nope, sorry," Kathy responded with a grin.

"Bugger," he muttered, and handed Elle his present.

She squealed when she saw what it was. "Bunny!" Quickly plucking out of the box, she hugged it tightly. Her reaction was the same with her other four presents, which were, consequently, bunnies.

Raketta received a smiley shirt from Jess, smiley shoes from Jen, and a smiley backpack from Elle. From Draco, she got a frowny shirt. This caused her to smile grimly.

"Yay!" said Jess happily. "You got her to smile, Draco!" She hugged him tightly.

Draco looked alarmed. "Uh, Kathy, what do I do now?" he asked softly.

Kathy grinned an evil grin. "Kiss her," she responded almost inaudibly.

Draco's expression turned from one of alarm to one of disgust. "Ewww!" he said, pushing Jess off of him.

Kathy chortled.

Draco glared.

Jess was abashed.

Elle bounced.

Jen grinned.

Raketta frowned.

"Right, well, let's go downstairs and listen to music," Kathy suggested cheerfully. And so they went.

Downstairs, Kathy turned on her five-disc player and put in Nickelback, Lifehouse, Matchbox 20, Avril Lavigne, and Michelle Branch. Then they all jammed to the music, Kathy playing a pretend guitar.

Half an hour later, they heard a thump. It must have been something very large, or they wouldn't have been able to hear it over the music. Kathy quickly turned off the music and went upstairs to investigate. Suddenly, the remaining people downstairs heard a scream.

"Kathy's in trouble!" cried Jess, jumping up and running upstairs.

There was a shriek. Jen bolted up and went to figure out what the heck was going on.

Then Draco heard a yell, and he ran up, followed by Elle and Raketta. As soon as he reached the top of the stairs, he was grabbed 'round the knees and tripped. He yelled as he fell and was dragged down the hall into Kathy's room. There he found Kathy, Jess, and Jen tied to a bedpost with a vibrantly pink feather boa.

"I _hate_ pink," Katz was complaining.

"Shut up," said the furry little thing that was tying her to said bedpost.

Draco was shoved against the bedpost right next to the one Kathy was tied to, before being joined by Elle and Raketta. Draco protesting loudly, they too were tied to the aforementioned bedpost with another vibrantly pink feather boa.

"What are these things?" asked Draco.

"Bunnies," replied Katz. "Evil purple stuffed bunnies. That one right there"-here she pointed to a bunny that was admiring itself in her mirror-"is Captain Lint. He's their leader, and he's obsessed with himself."

"Really?" Draco was getting interested. Suddenly, a light bulb clicked on over his head. "Hey, Captain Lint," he said.

The bunny turned. "What do you want, you blond pimp?"

"You need some hair gel."

"I do not. My fur is perfectly groomed. I do not need your silly human hair care products."

Kathy suddenly started to giggle.

"What in the world is so funny?" demanded Raketta. "We are going to _die_ here!" Raketta was obviously a pessimist.

"I'm sorry," responded Kathy. "It's only that I've just imagined Captain Lint as one of the French dudes from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_."

"I don't get it," complained Jess.

"It's okay, neither do I," Jen told her.

"Why you little," said Captain Lint, drawing out a long knife. All of the other bunnies pulled out knives, too. They advanced upon the friends.

They all closed their eyes, preparing for inevitable death. And then....

Sarah Kuper woke up with a start, sitting straight up.

"Whoa," she said. "That was some weird dream."

"Are you sure it was just a dream?" asked a sly voice next to her. She turned to see Captain Lint standing there, with a mass of evil purple stuffed bunnies along with him. Captain Lint held a knife in his furry little purple paws.

"Give me the knife," she said threateningly.

"No, I don't think I will."

Sarah leaped out of bed and grabbed the bunny by the ears.

"Hey!"

Sarah fought down a mad desire to cackle evilly. Instead, she asked, "Now will you give me the knife?"

"Will you let me go?"

Sarah crossed her fingers behind her back. "Yeah, okay."

Captain Lint gave her the knife, and she immediately pointed the tip at his throat. He swallowed.

"You get out of my house, or I will rip you to pieces," she snapped, before letting him fall to the floor.

Captain Lint uttered no more words, but what followed was an exodus of the evil purple stuffed bunnies from the home of Sarah Kuper.

_ 'Hmm,' _thought Sarah, walking down to her computer, _'I think I'll write a story about this.'_

And this, my friends, is that story.


End file.
